Warning: Emotional issues below. Move along if you can't handle awkward -- or feel free to keep reading if you want a peak inside the head of the paradox also known as the pregnant infertile woman.
One would think that with a 4 year old running around and another one on the way, I'd be happy. Yet, when I inadvertently reminded myself of all my previous losses today, it all came flooding back, in spite of (almost) having everything I've ever wanted.
It shouldn't matter anymore, should it? I shouldn't feel this way. But it still hurts.
It doesn't really matter why, but I was looking through my medical records and was surprised to feel myself descending down that ugly spiral.
I also cannot get past the sting of the poor word choice that they use to describe infertility issues. I'd forgotten about the actual label I'd been given: habitual aborter. Really? Sorry Doc, but the only babies I've had removed from me were already dead or BORN living and STILL living. Why do they have to use that term???? Oh, how that irks me still!
As much as I am convinced I am past the danger zone with this pregnancy and will soon have 2 under my roof, just as I longed for, it still does not erase what damage was already done to my heart in the past. I'm sure being pregnant does nothing for my emotional strength to deal with this thing of the past, but honestly I'd rather find myself weeping over my husband spontaneously bringing me what I was not-so-secretly craving yesterday, or over his simple but kind gesture of going upstairs to get me a more comfortable change of clothes as soon as he walked in the door last week and found me collapsed in my work clothes still.
I don't think the hurt ever goes away. ((hugs))
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